Tipping is not a city in China

[ RANT ON ... a 5am stream of consciousness to follow ... you have been warned. ]

I subscribe to a number of forums, ranging on various topics and interests. It's all really just a way to pass the time on occasion. Gives me a way to get things off my chest at times. But really, I don't get so passionate about topics.... because of the nature. It's annonymity, both on my end, and theirs.

It just doesn't make any sense to get worked up over something someone says on the intarweb.

But there's one topic (well, I thought only one...) that I do get passionate about, and that's religion and/or philosophy. I get to the point where if I see a thread that even hints at it being something on theology, I actively avoid it, simply becasue ... it just doesn't seem worth the energy, to really hold a debate online.

But if I get suckered in, I'm hooked, like a junky pining for his next fix... I'll refresh that fucking thread every 10 minutes, just waiting for someone to respond.

I'm ... totally, completely, insanely retarded.

So that leads me to the topic of this blog. Really.

One one of these forums, I'm actively involved in what's called the "Theology Corner". I've been a member of this place since almost the beginning, it's a local sports car enthusiasts website. Back then, it was just shooting the shit about cars, and racing, and hanging out, and other random stuff.

But eventually, threads started popping up occasionally, of a religious nature. And of course, you had your opposing forces eternally duking it out with each other. It slowly became apparent that there was enough interest in this subject, and so was created the Theology Corner, given it's own section.

Way early on, it was the Christians, and me. One would think I was a lamb in the midst of a pack of wolves, but I held my ground, and though they may not agree with me, they at least respected my views. It was quite nice, to say the least. It was a private forum, so all the dickheads in the main areas couldn't swamp the place with bullshit. Then it morphed into various levels of curiosity from new people expressing interest. Questions about various religions started coming up, and eventually more heathens were accepted in to keep me company I suppose :)

Anyway, time went on, as more got involved, the conversations turned into various aspects of life and philosophy, and religion, and just general engaging conversation. We became actual friends through this, and because everyone was local, we even occasionally got together for dinner or just hang out and have a few drinks, and watch the game or something.

That all changed a couple of years ago, though. The moderator, and a friend of mine, became less and less involved with the Corner. I'm not entirely sure why, and I even offered to take over as moderator for him, if he wasn't comfortable with the responsibility. But instead, he opted to open the section to the public. Anyone and everyone could post.

The initial surge almost killed the Corner. For almost a year, not a single new topic had been brought up. The douchebags carpet bombed, and left.

Here lately though, things are starting to pick up steam again. But now we have a new wave. Gone is the comraderie we once had, and topics get pretty heated because of it. And I'm proud to say, I've run off a few holier than thou's. Once their shear stupidity is exposed, they turn tail and are never heard from again. Some hang on longer than others, thinking the use of big smart sounding words will impress people, and put us heathens in our place.

But I miss the way it was.

A topic was brought up recently, this guy was recalling a recent dealing with a church. He attends college, and works as a pizza delivery driver, and on this particular occasion, he was delivering pizzas to a church, and the woman came out to him, and gave him the money, and said that she was instructed not to tip by other members of the church.

So this has sparked a flurry of comments, on the ethics of tipping. And for the most part, everyone is in agreement that tips are paid, when the tips are earned.

Except for one person.

"I don't tip at home. Pizza Hut has a delivery charge. It makes it easy to just pay the one single price."

Now, a few years back, I took on a pizza delivery job after the computer industry crashed and I got laid off. It was either that, or default on my bills. I like to think I was raised better than that. So I understand what tips mean, and it's specifically because of that experience, that I tip well. I've always tipped, don't get me wrong, but now I tip above and beyond the "minimum"... unless the service is just terrible.

This person, has been informed by me, and the initial topic starter, that the delivery charge does not, in fact, go to the driver. And even if it did, a $1 tip on a $20 order is hardly fair compensation.

The can of worms was opened, however, when I also informed this douche that drivers remember the people that don't tip. And I warned him that repeated infractions could result in him getting more with his pizza than he was expecting.

He took that as a threat. As did one other, and we sniped back and forth for a few days on the subject, but have since come to a mutual understanding, and are now in agreement with each other.

But the initial douche... he's gone way off the deep end. Daring drivers to tamper with his pizza, and he'll sue. Naturally we all got a kick out of his baseless threats. What's he gonna do, drive every pizza he gets delivered to some place that does DNA testing? Please.

He then moves to luminol. Now, some of you may be familiar with this stuff, and some may not. But, suffice it to say, it's what crime scene investigators use to illuminate hidden blood stains that are invisible to the naked eye. It's a chemical that reacts to the iron in blood, and quite literally, glows a blueish green color. It also detects other things like saliva, and vegetable enzymes.

So naturally I got a hearty laugh at his expense, and informed him that the USDA has certain allowances for blood in milk... and of course, meat being meat, is probably going to have some trace amounts of blood as well. Then of course, the vegetable enzymes. Basically, every ingredient that goes into making a pizza, is as likely to trip the luminol as any saliva that finds it's way there.

Sure, the cooking process might destroy the blood cells, but it's not likely to destroy the iron, which is what causes the reaction in the first place.

He didn't respond for a few days. I thought that it seemed since his stupidity had been exposed, like the others, he'd turned tail and scampered off elsewhere. Not until yesterday (Friday, as it's still Saturday to me).

Apparently, in his absence, he found a distributor of luminol online, and had a test kit shipped to him (even provided a picture with his computer on the forum's website to prove it...). A $20 bottle, that's good for 4 applications. His theory is that he wants to see if just the ingredients will cause a reaction, or if the cooking process is enough, so that only when the pizza is tampered (ie: spit on) with, will the luminol glow.

He's willing to spend $20 on a test kit... 4 applications, 4 pizzas... $5 extra per pizza just to spray some shit on it and throw it away. But he won't give the driver $2-$3.

And beyond that insanity, let's say his theory is correct, and the cooked ingredients don't cause the glow. He has a problem still with recovering dna evidence to prove who did the tampering for his, no doubt, high profile lawsuit (at least in his little psychotic world). You see, the "test" kit he bought, is for training purposes. It's cheap, so that new investigators can be trained in how to use it, without wasting the good stuff. It does everything it's supposed to, sure. It'll glow just like the good stuff... but, the reason it's only for testing/training, is because it doesn't contain any of the inhibitors of the good stuff. It competely destroy's any dna evidence, where as the good stuff doesn't.

So let's assume his theory is correct, and naturally I had to inform him that what he has will destroy any dna evidence, so he'll need to get the good stuff if he really wants to persue this course of action. At $75 for the same 4 applications... that's $18.75 per pizza. But he's not willing to give the driver $2-$3.

It just baffles my mind, that someone can actually be so insane as to think this is logical... even worthwhile. Oh yeah... and he's currently on unemployment. SHOCKER! If there's a God, I pray to you now. Karma-bomb this jackass. No job for him, after his unemployment's up... make him have to go through that decision... delivery job (or anything that relies on tips, really), or lose the car, the house, and whatever other toys you don't explicitly own...

Now, the odds of a driver actually tampering with a customer's food is miniscule. Most are adults (most places require their drivers to be at least 18), and have matured enough to understand the consequences of their actions. But that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. Some people are just willing to take the risk.

Yes, drivers remember the non-tippers. They remember the good tippers as well. And service is delegated on that knowledge. The non-tippers will more often than not, have their deliveries well beyond the hot & fresh stage, and into the luke-warm and hardening cheese stage. Or items will be deliberately left out of their order, sure the driver has to go back to the store and grab it, and back to the customer... screwing himself out of another delivery... but to some, it's worth it to make the non-tippers have to wait that much longer before they can enjoy their meal, which now will probably need to be nuked.

The good tippers get their orders delivered promptly, all items accounted for, and even have the little things like parmesean, or red pepper, or extra packets of sauce just incase. It's not much, but it's a way the drivers can show their appreciation to the good customers.

But I think what's most baffeling about this whole thing, is that there are actually people out there that honestly don't feel delivery drivers deserve tips. There's the natural waiter/driver comparison to be made. You tip your waiter for good service, correct? Why is the delivery driver any different? Other than the fundamental differences... those being that the delivery drivers have to pay for their gas, and any maintenance on their vehicle which is driven 100+ miles per shift... (unless it's a company vehicle, which most aren't... the sign on the top is just held on by magnets, and plugged into the cigarette lighter for power. If the vehicle isn't plastered with the company logo, it's a personal vehicle and the drivers pay all their expenses), there's really no difference between your pizza delivery dude, and your waiter at a restaurant.

Drivers take orders from customers, they help prepare the pizzas, they prepare sides, stock the refigerator, stock the drinks, prepare the dough, sweep and mop the floors, wash dishes... basically everything but the manager's duties. And on top of that, they also bring your food to your door.

Keep that in mind the next time you order a pizza. Don't be a dick. You might just find yourself in the unenviable position one day, of relying on tips.

[ RANT OFF ]